Tag Archives: separation

Parental separation and divorce is difficult for everyone in the family, including teenagers. Here are some things you can do to help your adolescent manage some of the changes at this time:

• Discuss the changes and your expectations of your teenager upfront. Try to spend time discussing all the practicalities of the changes about to happen with your teenager. Include them in the decision making process as much as possible as this will give them a sense of control over an, otherwise, unpredictable situation. In this sense, discuss where they will be living, when they will visit the other parent and for how long, how you will communicate when you are not together, and what you expect from your teenager.

• Make sure that you discuss the fact that routines, rituals and expectations will remain the same. In other words, that curfews won’t change, routines around dinner times, bed times, homework and visiting friends, for example, will remain largely the same. Make sure that both parents are on the same page regarding the enforcement of boundaries so that each home consistently ensures that expectations are met.

• Do not be afraid to talk about feelings. Teenagers are intensely emotional by nature so parents may feel daunted by talking about their feelings with their teenagers. Remember that your teenager is not an adult, despite their best attempts to convince you otherwise. They are likely to feel scared and insecure. They may even feel angry and resentful. In many cases they may even feel guilty and carry some blame for the divorce. It is very important that you give your teenager the space to talk about these feelings with you. If you find it difficult to do so then find a someone with whom your teenager can talk.

If you feel you and your teenager would benefit from additional support at this time, it may be helpful to talk with one of our psychologists.

Separation and divorce within families can be a very difficult process for all involved. Parents going through this change can be very concerned about the impact on their children, but there are a few things you can do to help your child manage the changes:

1.  As busy as you are with the process of divorce, try to spend some quality time with your kids. Make sure you have some fun together and get laughing – it is a great stress reliever for everyone. Besides, you need to remind them that life is still fun and exciting despite the tension and changes they are enduring.

2.  It is very helpful to speak to other significant caregivers about the changes that are happening. Speak to your child’s teacher, nanny, and other family members that are involved in your child’s life so that they are all aware of what is happening and can assist in helping your child adjust.

3.  Changes in behaviour and performance at school can be a clue that your child isn’t coping. Try to be sensitive to any changes in your child’s behaviour. It is also useful to have open lines of communication with other adults in your child’s life who are aware of the situation and can be sensitive to behaviour changes in your child.

4.  It may seem a strange thing to say, but looking after your own emotional and physical health and wellbeing is paramount when helping your child manage changes in the family. Your child will be very tuned in to how you are managing the situation to inform them of how they should be managing it. If a child perceives his parents are not coping, it will heighten his sense of anxiety and distress. If a child sees that his parents are able to get on with life despite the difficulties associated with the separation, he will feel more secure in the knowledge that things will be ok.

5.  If you notice that you or your child is struggling then it may be time to seek professional assistance.

Teenagers are complicated by nature. They are struggling through puberty and trying to find a balance between being a child and becoming an adult. Their emotions are magnified and their lives are filled with intense reactions and drama. It may feel quite daunting to talk to your teenager about your divorce. Many parents feel worried that their teenage children will not be able to deal with the news well and are unsure how to help them cope with the impending changes.

In many ways teenagers need the same reassurance that younger children do. They need to know that they are still loved, that the divorce is not their fault, and that their world is not falling apart. They need security and stability as much as younger children would. The difference is that teenagers think of themselves as adults and don’t like to be treated like children. Yet, at the same time, teenagers still have immature emotional responses and often feel things quite intensely.

This means that the way in which you talk to your teenager needs to accommodate their need to be treated like adults and also bear in mind that they may be quite emotionally vulnerable as well. This can be a difficult juggle. It is important to be open and honest with your teenager throughout the process. Treat them respectfully, yet sensitively and you may find that they respond better.

Things you can do to help them cope

• While you view your teenager as ‘just a child’, your teenager does not want to be treated this way. It is important to talk about your divorce to your teenager in an open and honest way. Of course you need not confide in them about everything going on, but it is helpful to try and make sure your teenager is informed about decisions being made that will impact on them.
• Make sure you reassure your teenager that they are not to blame for what is happening between her parents. It is important that you assuage any feelings of guilt your teenager may be feeling. Again, it is important to seek professional help if you are struggling to help your teenager with her feelings.

Divorce is a difficult time for parents and children alike. Your child is bound to see you feeling sad or angry despite your best attempts to hide it from them. Your child is also going to feel sad and/or angry at times. There is nothing inherently wrong with your child witnessing your emotions – it can even be healthy. However you want to avoid dumping your emotions on your child. Rather, you want to be able to talk about, and deal with, your emotions in a healthy way.

Being honest about feeling sad, angry, confused, and all the other uncomfortable emotions that may arise in this situation helps your child to feel like they are not alone with their feelings. However, parents need to be careful not to let their children feel as if they need to take care of you. Make sure that your child knows you are OK and that you are strong enough to deal with your, and your child’s feelings.

Allow your child the time to talk about his feelings. Reflect them back and show your child you understand and accept the feelings he is expressing. It is important that you validate your child’s feelings. For example, “You seem to be angry at Dad and I. It’s ok to be angry with what’s happening. I am here to talk about it with you when you are ready.” It is also useful to let your child know that they will have mixed feelings about the changes happening, and for you to be prepared yourself for your child to have some positive feelings such as relief, excitement (eg. Having a new room at one parent’s house), and humour.

If it seems too difficult to hear your child’s anger or sadness at the moment then it is a good idea to find someone else that your child can talk to. This may be your ex-partner, another family member, trusted family friend, or teacher. Professional help can also assist both you and your child to work through the difficult and strong emotions that can be provoked by a divorce.

In a time that is full of changes and uncertainty, the best assistance you can give your kids is to foster a sense of stability and security. There are many ways to do this:

2.  Ensure that you have firm and consistent boundaries and that both parents follow the same rules. Often parents feel guilty about the pain they may be causing their children and feel worried about exacerbating this with enforcing rules and discipline. However, this is the time when children need firm boundaries and clear rules. It is essential that both parents follow the same rules and methods for discipline in order to encourage that stability and security. Children will know where they stand with you when the boundaries are clear and consistently enforced. Leniency at this point only serves to heighten insecurity.

3.  It is really important that parents remain respectful towards one another, both in front of the children and to the children. Although the tension may be flying high, avoid the temptation to ‘bad-mouth’ one another to your kids. Children don’t want to feel torn between their parents or forced to take sides in loyalty – remember that they love you both equally.

4.  Allow your children to make some decisions during the process. Of course important decisions are still left to the adults, but give your child the freedom to decide how to decorate their new room, what times they would like to speak with the other parent on the phone and what to have for dinner, for example. Giving your child some autonomy will allow them to feel more control over what is happening and help ease the adjustment.

Deciding to get a divorce is never easy. Many parents resist telling their children as they are unsure how to deal with the topic. Discussing your divorce sooner rather than later is beneficial to your child. It is also likely that you will have multiple conversations about the divorce and associated changes as they occur over time. Here are some useful tips for talking about the changes that are about to happen.

• Use simple age-appropriate language to discuss the changes with your child and make sure that they understand clearly what is happening.

• Do not be vague as this exacerbates uncertainty. Be clear that “mum and dad are not going to be living together anymore, but that both mum and dad love you very much”.

• Ensure that your child knows that none of this is their fault, and it is a decision that both parents have given much thought to.

• Make sure you have set aside enough time to address any difficult questions. Children will want to know where they will live, how often they will see each parent and why the two of you can’t work things out, to name a few. Be as clear and honest as you can about the answers.

• If there are questions that you aren’t sure about, then tell your child that you are still working on the details. Be sure to revisit the question when you have worked out the answer.

• It is also really important to be prepared to answer questions more than once. Your child will be seeking security so she may ask the same question more than once or in different ways. This is her way of making sense of the changes and ensuring things are stable. Making time to sit and talk about her concerns will also help her feel more secure.

It can be really difficult to talk about separation and divorce with our children, but it is important. If you feel you may need some assistance  with this, it may help to speak with a psychologist.