Tag Archives: Parenting

Raising Happy Children

15/08/2017



Raising happy children is what we all, as parents and carers, want for our littlies. When we talk about “happiness” it is in reference to general emotional well-being rather than a perpetual state of joy.

So just how do we raise happy, emotionally well-rounded children?

Here are some ideas that will point you in the right direction:

Raising Happy Children 1

  • Delight in your child. There is no-one else exactly the same as your child – he or she is unique and special. In our daily lives, it can be easy to overlook the importance of recognising and communicating this important fact with our children. However, it is vital that your child knows they are loved for who they are rather than what they do. So take every opportunity you get to let them know, both through your actions and your words, just how loved and cherished they are.
  • Respect your child. Allow them their opinions and interests and try not to impose your worldview on them. Children learn about family values and opinions in their daily life with you, but they ultimately have a choice as to whether they follow those same values in life or choose another path. Respect their feelings and their dreams.
  • Children need safe carers. Whether you and your partner are in a stable relationship together or separated, it is important that your children have access to, and feel safe with both parents, and that parents never talk badly of one another to their children.
  • Be aware of how you talk to, and about your child. Children are listening when we think they aren’t and, even if they may be too young to understand what we are really saying, they are hearing and interpreting some version of it. We don’t want that to be negative so refrain from critical talk about your children in their company and try to talk to them in the same way you would to any person you highly respect.

When we talk about raising happy children we are referring to the strengthening of our children’s emotional well-being in general. There are a number of ways adults in a child’s life can help them establish and maintain healthy emotional perspectives, behaviours and relationships.

Raising Happy Children 2

  • Encourage your child to dream and fantasize. Foster their creativity and provide opportunities for them to explore their talents, whatever those may be.
  • Study with your child. Show an interest in their studies and homework activities. In many cases they will need your help and it is a great way to invest in your child and build their self esteem.
  • Get active together. Physical activity is good for everyone, and encouraging children to get active helps with multiple areas of their development as well as their emotional well being. Doing activities together can also help strengthen the relationship you have with your child and their sense of connection with you.
  • Use descriptive praise. By this we mean praise that is specific to the desired behaviour they completed and describes exactly what you’d like them to repeat again in the future, and how it made you feel. For example, rather than “Good boy”, try “Thankyou for putting your dirty clothes in the clothes basket without being asked – that has really helped me out”.
  • Focus on effort rather than achievement. Children build self esteem through positive reinforcement of their efforts rather than their achievements alone. Of course we want to acknowledge achievements, but try not to make that the main focus. Acknowledge and encourage the attempt too.

We all want our children to grow up happy and healthy. Happiness in this respect refers to overall emotional wellbeing. There are many different ways you can help foster this with your child, and you will find some ideas gel more for one child than another. That’s fine – try things out, experiment, learn together and experience your own “happiness” when you and your child feel emotionally connected with each other.

 

Calm Parenting

15/08/2017



Calm parenting5

No matter which way you try to spin it, life with children is challenging. Unfortunately children don’t come with a manual and there are no specific rule books to follow when it comes to parenting. Most of us just fly by the seat of our pants, taking each day as it comes and using trial and error in our methods of parenting. We often find ourselves flustered, overwhelmed and in doubt about, not only our parenting style, but ourselves in general. Our lives are so busy that our relationships and interactions with our children become “automatic” and we often miss opportunities to connect with them, model appropriate responses, and learn together.

“When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, its our job to share our calm, not to join their chaos” L.R. Knost

An extremely useful skill to have in parenting is the ability to manage your own emotions. If we can help ourselves to calm down in situations, we are more likely to respond in proactive ways, and our children will learn how to regulate their emotions also from modelling our responses. Yes, there will be times when your children’s behaviours will lead you to the brink of your patience, push just the right button to trigger anger and frustration, or reduce you to tears. Having such emotions, although uncomfortable, is normal and shows you are human. However, you can decide how to express these emotions through your responses, and have the power to steer a situation in a more positive direction for all involved. Once parents experience situations consistently where they respond calmly and patiently instead of yelling or becoming upset themselves, they feel a sense of empowerment and control of situations that allow them to move forward and resolve conflicts thoughtfully, rather than responding emotionally to make them more intense and chaotic.

Calm Parenting1How to practice calm parenting:

Calm parenting does take practice and involves a few steps, but you will find it is worth the effort as a parent’s mood often sets the tone for the rest of the family.

  • STOP – Recognise and acknowledge your emotions. You will feel angry, sad, scared, confused, frustrated, exasperated, and disappointed and many more uncomfortable feelings as a parent. You will also feel thrilled, proud, amazed, loved, excited, surprised, content and many other comfortable emotions. All of these emotions are normal. Our emotions are guided by what our mind tells us about a situation…our perspective, opinion, interpretation and understanding of the world around us. Emotions help us respond to situations. Making a conscious effort to identify and recognise the emotions you experience helps you to make informed decisions about how you will behave rather than just being on “auto pilot” or wearing your “[emotion]-coloured glasses” and regretting your reactions later.
    • Name emotions either silently in your head or out loud, e.g. “I feel upset” and try out different feeling words to help recognise what you are feeling and when.
    • Let yourself feel these emotions. We are not suggesting you bottle up emotions or deny them.

“Feelings are just visitors. Let them come and go” Mooji

    • Let your emotions guide, not decide your responses. It is very difficult to manage a situation calmly and effectively when you are experiencing strong emotions. If you are unsure about whether your reaction to a situation is going to end well, take some time to calm down first. Then you are in a better position to deal with things.
  • SEPARATE – Remove yourself from the situation. Most of us can’t just flick a magic switch and go from angry to calm in a few seconds (although strangely enough many people seem able to do the opposite). In practising calm parenting, which might take a long period before it becomes automatic, we need to give ourselves some space from a situation in order to quieten the emotional “alarm bells” going off, and allow our logical, problem solving part of the brain to resume command.
  • Calm parenting6
    • Have a brief statement that you can use, even between clenched teeth, to inform others that you will be leaving to calm down. For example, “I need a moment to myself”,or “I need to walk away for a few minutes”. It is best to come up with this statement before you find yourself in an emotionally-charged situation so you don’t end up saying something you’ll later regret.
    • Walk away from the situation. Go to your room, outside, into the garage, lock yourself in the bathroom, somewhere where you can be by yourself for a few minutes to safely vent your strong emotions (cue: burst into tears or silent scream with fists clenched) and calm yourself down.
    • Use distraction. Doing something totally unrelated to the trigger situation can help calm our emotions.
    • Once calmer, think about how to best manage the situation. When we are calmer we can usually come up with options about managing a situation that are not apparent when we are emotionally charged up.
    • Return to the situation. This is really important!!! Walking away from a problem and never facing it does not address the problem. Once you feel calm enough to deal with the issue, go back and do so. At this stage you would be in a position to express your view and also listen to those of others.

Mother comforting her crying little girl - parenthood concept

  • SHARE – Talk about your thoughts and feelings. Adults often say to younger children, “use your words” to let others know what they want or are feeling, yet many adults don’t think they can do the same when it comes to their own thoughts and feelings. Remember, one of the most powerful ways for a child to learn is from observation of others. That means, your kid is watching how you deal with thoughts, feelings and behaviours to inform how they will deal with theirs.

    • Tell your child how you feel and what triggered that emotion. For example, “I felt so angry when I found the kitchen in a mess”.
    • Listen to others’ point of view. Children are used to being talked at rather than listened to, so asking for their take on the situation will not only help them express their emotions, opinions and intentions, but will assist them to feel more connected with you and more likely to want to cooperate with a solution.
    • Talk about possible solutions to a problem. Share your ideas and invite others to provide their ideas. Once you have reached a solution, implement it together.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice” Peggy O’Mara

    • Try to keep it respectful. Take ownership of your own thoughts and emotions, and respect that they will not necessarily be the same as others’. Keep blame to a minimum and recognise that “It is what it is” and you have choice about how to deal with that.
    • Be aware that having such discussions can re-ignite strong emotions. If anyone needs to walk away again, let it happen. If anyone needs comforting, go with it. If anyone is too uncomfortable to face the situation in detail, keep it brief or provide other options to deal with the situation such as writing things down and handing it to you as a note.
  • SELF CARE – Don’t forget to look after yourself! Being a parent is the toughest role in the world. You are responsible for other (mini) human beings and want those littlies to grow up as happy, well adjusted, fully functioning individuals. To do that though, it is best that we aim for those goals ourselves too. It is entirely normal to have times when you feel you could take on the world whilst changing a nappy, running a board meeting, cheering at the athletics carnival, and catering for a party of 500. However, it is also entirely normal to have times when you don’t even think you can get out of your pjs let alone referee the almighty row between your son and daughter in the living room. For most days, we want to find a happy medium and to do that, we need to look after ourselves, not just our families.

“Taking good care of You, means the people in your life will receive the best of you rather than what’s left of you.” Carl Bryan

Calm Parenting3Self care doesn’t have to be highly involved or long-winded. If you get the chance to go out with a friend, take a long leisurely walk, or landscape the garden, great! But if not, aim for a few seconds or minutes – take a deep breath, enjoy your cup of coffee, focus on what is going on outside the window and watch the clouds float by or the wind rustling the leaves….

In many ways parenting can expose our deepest selves and often our old, unresolved wounds are opened by our children and their behaviour. It may be helpful to spend some time identifying your personal triggers and, if need be, working through them with a professional. Our emotional responses to situations are usually one of the first clues about how well we are looking after ourselves. Calm parenting is about acknowledging when we have strong emotional responses to situations but not allowing those emotions to govern how we react to situations.

See http://www.raptitude.com/2015/05/basic-skill/ for more tips on recognising emotions.

See www.changespsychology.com.au for more information

Quality Time with Dad

14/08/2017



Father reading a story to his little sons - family time togetherIn general, mums get to spend alot of time with their children. This is mostly to do with the fact that, in the early days, infants are highly dependent on their mother especially if she is exclusively breastfeeding, and the pattern tends to continue as children get older. Dads, on the other hand, often aren’t afforded as much time with the children.

Children benefit from quality input from both parents and as such, it is really important that dads get to have some quality time with their kids as well as mums. Studies show that some dads spend as little as 3 minutes a day with their children This would seem less than ideal, however if those 3 minutes are spent engaging positively and being present with the child the experience can still be extremely beneficial for the child (and parent). Research on attachment and relationships between parents and children tells us that short bursts of even 1-2 minutes with children, at various times of the day can be extremely helpful to a child’s development and relationship with their primary caregivers. The other thing parents need to remember, is that putting extra time and effort into your relationship with your child, by spending more quality time with them, helps to reduce the frequency and intensity of challenging behaviours that you have to manage! Whereas, parent-child relationships that spend alot of time focusing on correcting behaviours and compliance (eg “ill play with you when you behave”) tend to find relationships start to deteriorate rather than develop. Remember – CONNECTION is always way more important than CORRECTION, and connection reduces the need for correction.

Kids love spending time with their dads. So if you are strapped for time, lets take a look at a few ideas that can help dads improve the quality of time they spend with their children and even how to plan for more short bursts of time with their children. Any improvements or changes really help.

How do dads (and mums) have quality time with their child?

BATH --- Father and son fishing --- Image by © Colin Hawkins/cultura/CorbisQuality time is about being available. It’s about being present in a moment whether it be half an hour or four hours. The time is not what is important. It is how you spend that time, and where your attention is focused during that time that is important. It’s important for parents to stay present and not use their smartphone or engage in other distracting tasks when trying to have quality time with their children – just having your full attention focused on your child (Without even saying a word or doing anything) is shown to be helpful to any child’s emotional development.

So here are a few ideas you may like to try with your child.

  • Schedule time together: We all know that life is very busy, and in many families, dads are the first to return to commitments outside the home (e.g. paid employment). So creating quality time with your kids is really about making sure they have a space in your schedule. It may go against your ideal of family life to schedule time with your child. After all, we’d all like to think that we can and do make time to spend with our loved ones. However, the reality is that these good intentions can fall to the way-side when other demands become more pressing. Try putting an “appointment” into your calendar for a regular time to spend with your child (e.g. 10 minutes). Add reminders to your phone calendar – most of us are well-trained to check what the pinging phone is reminding us to do! Make sure this time is suitable for both you and your child and not competing with other daily demands.

Calm parenting2Quality time is about being available. It’s about being present in a moment whether it be half an hour or four hours. The time is not what is important. It is how you spend that time that is important. The research shows that regular short bursts of even a few minutes a day, a couple of times a day, can be really helpful in developing stronger relationships with children and it also serves to make them feel more safe and secure. Let’s look at a few more ideas you may like to try with your child.

  • Be interested: Be actively aware of your child’s daily activities, the sports games they are attending, the big projects they have for school. If you can’t actually be present for these events, ask your child how you can be involved in other ways, such as helping them prepare, or ensuring you ask your child about how the event went (with detailed descriptions), or asking someone else to attend and take photos or videos that you can look at together with your child.
  • Let the child lead the activities: When spending time with your children, try to let them lead the activity. They may choose to play a videogame, scrapbook, cook, read a book together, go to the park, or maybe play a particular type of sport. Encouraging your child to lead the activities provides him or her with the opportunity to share particular interests, demonstrate their competence to you, teach you something, and feel in control and invested in their relationship with you. It also helps the parent to have a break from being the “boss” and encourages adults to go with the flow of the activity rather than pre-empting how the activity should pan out.

Quality time is about being available. It’s about being present in a moment whether it be a few minutes or for multiple hours. The time is not what is important. It is how you spend that time that is important. An important thing for all parents to remember when spending quality time with their children is “A child might not remember what you said, or what you did, but they’ll always remember the way you made them feel”.

Let’s look at a few more ideas you may like to try with your child.

  • Quality time with Dad 4Share an interest: Invite your child to participate in an activity or interest of yours. When we have a passion for something we do, we love to share it. Try inviting your child to join you in an activity you can do together or an interest you have. Make sure your child can actively participate in the activity with you rather than just being a by-stander. You and your child may discover a common interest, or if your child would prefer not to participate in your activity again, go back to showing an interest in their activities and passions.
  • Special date times: If it’s at all possible, plan a special date with your child where it is just that child and parent spending time together. Some families are able to do this weekly, others monthly, and others less regularly. This is different from spending one-on-one time together on a regular (daily if possible) basis as described above. A date time together usually involves doing something outside the daily routine and requires more effort and planning.

Sometimes we feel really strapped for time and struggle to have set parent-child time together. If this is the case, try using your daily routine to catch some time together.

  • Use routine activities for time together: If you find you are still unable to make a regular time to be with your child outside the normal daily routine, sneak in some quality time during routine activities. Again it’s not about the amount of time you spend but it’s what you do with that time. So try to make a point of sitting around a table and eating your food together (with the tv off!!). This gives you the perfect opportunity to have a real conversation with your child, and be sure to listen and really engage with one another. Alternatively you could take some time to read them a story before bed and grab some cuddles while you are at it.
  • Make the best use of the time together: Any time you can spend interacting positively with your child or children is worth while. Much of our time is spent doing what needs to be done and this can lead to many frazzled moments between family members. Research suggests that the ratio of negative vs positive interactions with our children needs to be roughly 1:5 (based on John Gottmans magic ratio). That means that, for every one negative thing you say, suggest or imply, its important to counteract with 5-6 positive things. Sadly, most of us fall well short of this on a daily basis. So, give yourself a challenge and actively try to catch your child doing things that are helpful, positive, “right” or appropriate. Then, let them know about it!!!

Quality time with Dad 5We have focused on quality time with dads in this 5 part article, but much of what we have discussed is relevant for mums and any other caregiver with whom children spend their time. It is all too common for parents to get caught up in their adult commitments outside the family, especially many dads who find their role in the family may be primarily about providing practical resources. Emotional resources are also essential to consolidate your relationship with your children, and spending a little time wisely, can go a long way.

 

For tips and suggestions, you can visit: www.changespsychology.com.au

Mindful Parenting Exercises

28/07/2017



Mom and kids lying on the grass looking up at the sky. mother, child, children, boy, girl, family activities, parent. B. Gehring & kids M.R.#K-9.The most well-known mindfulness activity is meditation, but there are many other ways to be mindful in everyday life that are much more straightforward. Mindfulness basically means noticing what is going on within us and/or within our environment. This can include sensations within our body, thoughts within our mind, how our behaviours impact on others, and how others’ actions impact on us. It can also include being aware of the world around us – temperature, sights, noises, smells, movement, tastes, our location in relation to other things….there is so much to be aware of, and endless ways we can be mindful.

  • Breathing. Place one hand onto your chest (over your heart) and the other hand onto your belly (at the belly button). Breathe normally and notice the rise and fall of your chest and stomach areas. Continue for about 10 breaths. Try breathing in through your nose and out through your nose or mouth. Be aware of making the breath out longer than the breath in (this calms our nervous systems). Mix it up with making sounds as you exhale – a long sigh, buzzing, a hum or whistle. Gently blow bubbles or a tissue to notice what happens when you breathe out. Use counting to focus your thoughts.
  • Mindful life. You and your children can engage in fun mindfulness activities by focusing on everyday actions you usually do on auto pilot. Try noticing what it is like when you eat something – not just the taste, but the smell, texture, temperature, what your tongue does, when you feel the need to swallow, or even any memories eating a particular food brings up for you. Lie down in the back yard and look up at the sky – can you see clouds or stars, what else do you see or hear, what does it feel like to lie on the grass? In the bathtub or washing up, mowing the lawn, picking a flower, brushing your teeth…..be aware of what you notice and share it with your child. Ask them to do the same.

We can engage in mindful activities on our own or share them with our children. Have a little fun with these:

  • Mildful parenting excercise 2Stop, Pause, Play. Stop what you are doing. Take a few slow, steady, calm breaths to help bring yourself back to the moment. Focus on what your child is doing or communicating with you. Once you have slowed yourself down you can better engage with your child. Letting yourself be in the moment can also make it less awkward to connect with your own inner child and just “play”.
  • Hand holding. We often hold our children’s hands but rarely notice what is actually involved. Next time you hold your child’s hand, take a moment to notice how it feels in your hand – notice the size, whether it is soft or hard, warm or cool. Give their hand a gentle squeeze, or run your thumb over their palm. Notice any movements they make with their hand and fingers. You can also do this when you have a quiet moment together, and experiment with how you touch your child’s hand – you may like to gently stroke their hand, or bring it up to your face and feel it against your cheek. You can use your other senses too to look at your child’s hand, or smell it. Let your child do the same to your hand. This simple exercise if a great way to quietly connect with each other.
  • Consider how you appear to your child. Imagine yourself from your child’s perspective – you will be physically bigger, maybe soft and cuddly, maybe solid and strong. How do you hold your body when around your child – do you tense, are you physically affectionate, do you have eye contact with your child? How does your voice sound? Do you have a particular smell that your child would notice? Do you have a particular taste (let’s face it most of our kids have licked us at least once!). Consider if this what you want to be like as a parent or could you change the way you relate to your child?
  • Mindful Parenting excercise 3Sitting still. This sounds simple enough but in our busy lives, we rarely take the opportunity to just sit. You can do this on your own or with your child. Avoid distractions like screens, phones, or conversations. You may like to listen to music. Notice not only what is going on around you, but also how you feel inside yourself – what thoughts do you have, any sensations (you may feel your bottom on the couch, or the need to wriggle), do you notice any emotions such as nervousness or boredom?
  • The perfect child, the best parent. Some days seem to fly by without us having a minute to stop and appreciate our children. A nice time to do this then is when they are in bed, drifting off to sleep. Or even once your child is asleep. Take a moment to be close to your child – physically touching or in close proximity. Use your senses to really notice the perfect being your child is – look at them, hear their soft breathing, feel their warmth, smell their scent. Notice sensations within yourself – a smile, love welling within your chest, the desire to reach out and hold your child. Put aside the frustrations of the day, and remind yourself that this amazing little person loves you for who you are, and try alittle compassion for yourself – you are being the best parent you can be.

Being mindful in our parenting may seem tricky at times, especially when we get caught up in the business of daily life. However, with some practice, you will find that being more mindful increases your satisfaction as a parent, lowers stress levels, and encourages more fun and stronger connections with your children. Mindful parenting is about noticing what is happening in the moment, how you and your child are feeling, and what you and your child need right now. Try not to get too caught up in your own preconceived ideas of parenting and how you ‘should’ behave, but rather stay with the moment and respond as authentically and calmly as you can.

 

Australian Childhood Foundation (2012). Mindful parenting – A Bringing Up Great Kids Resource.http://www.childhood.org.au/

Child Psychology Brisbane https://changespsychology.com.au

What type of parent are you? Different parenting styles

23/06/2016



authoritative-parenting-style1Over the years there has been a great deal of interest in the different ways people parent their children. This has led to psychologists and researchers identifying common parenting approaches. The most well-known parenting styles are based on work done by Baumrind, and Maccoby and Martin. They identified four styles of parenting based on parental demandingness (control, supervision, discipline) and parental responsiveness (warmth, acceptance and involvement):

  • Uninvolved
  • Authoritarian
  • Permissive

Research suggests that most people will sway between parenting styles to accommodate the complexities of the parent-child relationship, and parenting styles should be regarded as generalisations rather than fixed patterns of behaviour (Moon, 2011). However, parenting styles can be useful in identifying potential influences a parent’s behaviour may have on their children’s development, relationships and learning. It can also be useful for couples to determine what their individual parenting styles tend to be, and whether these compliment or conflict with each other.

Parenting styles in the media today tend to be given catchy titles, such as helicopter parenting, free-range parenting, jellyfish parenting, and tiger parenting. Some people identify strongly with their “style”, others are offended by these labels, or make a concerted effort to distance themselves from any particular parenting type. Let’s have a look at the common parenting styles and their pros and cons.

Uninvolved Parenting involves both low demands on the child from the parent, and little responsiveness to the child’s needs. The parent provides the basics such as food and shelter, but fails to be nurturing toward the child, or set limits. These parents are largely detached from their children. Other names for uninvolved parenting include neglectful and rejecting parenting, toxic parenting, narcissistic parenting.

Pros: Both academic research and opinion in the media indicate no identifiable pros for this type of parenting.

Cons: This type of parenting style is generally considered quite damaging for children who are at risk of verbal, physical, sexual and emotional abuse, and neglect. Children experience disinterest from their parents, confusion about healthy relationships, fear, high risk of mental illness, low self esteem, poor emotional and behaviour control, and poor social skills. Often such children find themselves in trouble with the law. They experience rejection and high stress levels.

 

Smart phones and Parenting

17/06/2016



Smart-Parenting-with-SmartphonesMore and more it seems that smartphones are infiltrating relationships – be it occupational, social or family, there is always a smart phone to be found. We have all seen the pictures of the family around the table, all busy on their separate devices. With the distraction that has come with constantly being online one has to wonder what effect this has on parenting.

Studies show that there has been a rise in unintentional childhood injuries which occur while the parent who is “supervising” their child is distracted on their phone. Other studies show that parents who often use their smartphones during family time are more likely to respond harshly to their children. This makes sense, when we are busy concentrating on a work email or an ‘important’ chat with a colleague we tend to be quickly irritated by interruptions. And further studies have even indicated that children feel they need to compete with smartphones for parental attention.

The truth is that children thrive on healthy, present and real relationships with their parents and our current technology is threatening these relationships like never before. In order to create and maintain these relationships it is important for parents to ensure that there are tech free times during the day as face-to-face interactions are the primary way children learn social and communication skills.

  • Make sure that meal times, bath times, driving trips and bed times are all tech free. Try to include at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted talk time with your kids – put the phones in another room and connect with one another.
  • If you need some time to check emails and answer calls, designate a specific time each day to doing this that doesn’t infiltrate your time with your family.
  • Model limited smartphone use with your children. They are watching how you use the technology to guide their own technology use. If you are too busy on facebook to interact with the people right infront of you, your child is going to pick up on that.
  • Play with apps or watch youtube with your child and demonstrate what is appropriate 

Smartphone technology is fantastic and can actually help many families stay connected like never before (e.g. facetime when a parent is away from home with work). When we are physically with our children though, it is important to show them that we value that time, and your child doesn’t have to share their parent with a device.

 

Resources:

Neighmond, P. (2014). For The Children’s Sake, Put Down That Smartphone. NPR. Retrieved from

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2014/04/21/304196338/for-the-childrens-sake-put-down-that-smartphone

Novotney, A. (2016). Smartphone=not-so-smart parenting? Monitor on Psychology, Vol 47 (2). Retrieved from:   http://www.apa.org/monitor/2016/02/smartphone.aspx

Mindful Parenting Basics

26/05/2016



Being mindful in our parenting can help us understand ourselves as individuals and as parents, as well as understand our children and build stronger connections with them. It involves being aware of what is happening in the moment, what you and your child are feeling, and what you and your child need right now.

Mindful parenting2

  1. Recognise that consciously managing your own responses to situations will be more effective in influencing your children’s behaviours than trying to forcefully control your child. Slowing down your reactions and responding more calmly will teach your children how to manage situations more appropriately. We can model emotional regulation, problem solving, and communication skills for our children. This does not mean that we deny uncomfortable emotions. We will feel these emotions – we just bring our attention to them and slow down our reaction so we can choose how to behave.
  2. Be realistic in your expectations of you child. As adults, it can be easy to forget that little ones are not yet able to do many of the things we take for granted. If you notice either you or your child getting frustrated, irritated, or annoyed, take a moment to check whether your child is able to do the activity at hand or whether he needs some guidance or assistance.
  3. Try to see the world from your child’s perspective and respect that it may be different from your own. Children’s behaviours give us the best clues at to what is happening for them right now – children feel and act at the same time. It is only as a child matures that he learns to think before acting. So what adults may see as “bad behaviour” is actually a child making sense of the world by exploring, experimenting, and responding. By remaining calm, you will be more able to see the reasons behind your child’s behaviours, and better help your child with the feelings and needs that are driving them.
  4. Be kind to yourself. Mindful parenting is not about berating yourself for how terrible you are as a parent, or focusing on when you get things wrong. We all get it wrong (alot!!). Remind yourself of the five mindfulness questions in parenting: What is happening with my child in this moment? What does my child feel? What does my child need? What am I feeling? What do I need?  Mindful parenting is about focusing on your child’s needs as well as noticing and fulfilling your own needs. Doing something for your own self care makes you a better parent because when your needs are being met, you are more willing and able to meet the needs of others.

 

Read next for suggestions on mindful parenting exercises…

Australian Childhood Foundation (2012). Mindful parenting – A Bringing Up Great Kids Resource.http://www.childhood.org.au/

Mindful Parenting

24/05/2016



MIndful parenting1“Mindfulness” is a popular word at the moment but many people are confused as to what it actually means. Basically, being mindful is when we consciously bring our attention to what is happening right now, rather than being on “auto­pilot” or focusing on things that have happened in the past or things that we feel may happen in the future.

When we talk about mindful parenting, the focus is on both ourselves as individuals and our interactions and relationships with our children. Mindful parenting means we notice our reactions to situations with our children, then choose how we respond rather than being railroaded by impulsive emotions. It can help to ask ourselves the following questions1:

What is happening with my child in this moment?

What does my child feel?

What does my child need?

What am I feeling?

What do I need?

So what is involved in mindful parenting?

The first step of mindful parenting is self­awareness. Increasing your awareness of which situations evoke strong emotions in you, what emotions you find comfortable and uncomfortable, what thoughts or opinions feed your emotions, and how you habitually react or respond to situations and emotions. Our own experiences of being parented can have a huge impact on our current parenting practices, so it can be useful to consider what values, beliefs and attitudes are passed down from previous generations, and whether you want to hold onto those in your parenting or let them go. It can also be useful to discuss these issues with your partner as they too will come to the parenting role with their own messages from their past.Having this awareness is the first step in managing the way you handle situations.

One of life’s guarantees is that people and events around you will impact on you in some way, but being aware, or mindful, of these triggers can help you choose how you respond to situations, and foster your ability to connect with your children in more understanding, functional, and loving ways.

Learn mindful parenting basics. Read on..

1Australian Childhood Foundation (2012). Mindful parenting ­ A Bringing Up Great Kids

Resource.http://www.childhood.org.au/

Appreciating my Toddler

02/05/2016



It can be really exhausting when, after a long day at work, you come home to your demanding toddler. He wants you to fetch him a snack, then a drink….to put on the TV, now to look at his toe….to come sit with him, but now he is bored and wants to go play…and he wants you to come play too. All you want to do is sit for a few minutes and relax but the minute you decline his request he has a melt down with tears, falling to the floor and possibly even a scream for good measure. It can be difficult, in these moments, to take stock and appreciate the little being that is wreaking havoc in your home.

However, let’s take a moment to stop and admire a toddler.

Appreciating my toddler1

  • He has the ability to live in the present like no other. He is not thinking about the past, or the future. He lives only in the now – fully immersed in the moment.
  • She has yet to learn caution and fear. Her curiosity about everything propels her out into the world at full throttle.
  • He is brutally honest – with you, with himself and everyone else around him. He says it as it is, the way he feels it and thinks it.
  • She feels emotions intensely and has no hesitation in letting everyone around her know about it. One moment she can be devastated or furious about things we think are inconsequential. But just as quickly she is able to dust herself off and move on. Excitement and joy are almost tangible emotions that tend to be contagious, infecting everyone around her.
  • He is supremely confident in his ability to do things by himself and make split-second decisions, yet reserves the right to change that decision multiple times without questioning his self worth.
  • She has an amazing imagination and can turn even the most mundane things into something special.
  • He loves you unconditionally, forgives you endlessly, and wants to be with you 100 percent of the time.

For all of their demands and tantrums, toddlers bring joy into our lives with their flair for humour, their confidence, and their innocent curiosity about the world.  Next time you feel a little overwhelmed by your toddler’s intensity try to stop for a minute and recall all that makes toddlers so unique and special.

Separated Parents: How to Communicate with your Ex!

07/09/2015



Changes Psychology Communicating with your exCommunicating with your ex-partner is one of the most difficult things that separated parents will have to do. The main aim should always be minimising children’s exposure to conflict and negative emotions.

So….what are the best ways to communicate with your ex-partner, husband or wife?

  • Don’t fight in front of your kids – it only serves to model inappropriate communication to them. If there is likely to be conflict, agree on another time to discuss the issue when the children are not present
  • Never use your child as a messenger between two separated parents. This is a great idea between still together parents too!
  • In any communication with your ex-partner, even when the kids aren’t around, keep things more business like. Focus on your child and bring things back to that when either of you tangent. Kind of like a bad office meeting, or a parent/teacher session after 3 on a Friday. STAY ON TARGET.
  • Relearn the basics of communication- Thinking, Non verbals, Listening and Speaking. Use them all to become a better communicator with them
  • If needed, limit communication to the absolute essentials. Work on ways to communicate with each other that help both of you maintain a civil relationship and exclude any underlying negative feelings- be that by email, text, communication book or at a weekly coffee shop chat.
  • You must model the communication you’d like from your ex-partner and set the example, even when they are aggressive or antagonistic towards you. It will also help your kids to see the positive way you are trying to communicate.
  • If they are ignoring all of these, it doesn’t mean you should too!

Read more: Communicating with your Ex is worth it!